“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.”
Costa Rica calling…she has stayed on my mind for much of the next few years. Following my first foray to the island, everything that had given me some semblance of security began crumbling around me. My sense of self began evaporating (very slowly have you) before my very eyes. I felt terminally lost and knew that I didn’t have the emotional skills to navigate the daunting road ahead. In some ways, it felt as if I was faced with a death sentence of my identity and was longingly awaiting a call from the governor granting me a reprieve from my impending execution. Something inside of me knew that I had to inherently change my way of living in order to give rise to my deepest potential. The scariest part of all of it was that I understood I was going to have to do it alone. In hindsight, it would become the most liberating period of my life.
Costa Rica began symbolizing new beginnings to me. I discovered that transformative change is never easy, which is why most of us resist it so; however, if we have the courage to face ourselves and what lies on the other side of that change, we have the capacity to reinvent ourselves in ways that we never imagined. This was certainly the case with me.
I came back to the United States and for the next few years (yes, years!) I did some serious soul searching. I began asking myself the age-old question, “Who am I?” The question was not meant to reveal my “identity” or “personality”, it was posed to query, “At the very core of my being, who am I? Who is the witnessing consciousness that perceives this reality?”
Several years passed as I investigated these questions. My life changed dramatically. My marriage ended and I began a new relationship with my children where we spent time in spurts on weekends, summer vacations, Christmases and Thanksgivings. I continued working as a comedian in my show, and also began writing in my free time. It was around this time when I began writing my first novel, Pura Vida. My father had just passed away and I became more contemplative about life. I saw, for the first time, that my time on this planet was limited and something inside of me knew that I had to begin truly living—for me. I recalibrated my point of view and shifted my perspective to spreading love and kindness to the world and to become a beacon of light to those struggling to make their way through the darkness.
Although these two seemingly contrary ideas—living my life for me and spreading love and kindness around the world—seemed to be completely disparate ideas I came to understand a truth that few of us are ever taught: we must first take care of our needs and nurture ourselves before (yes, before!) helping anyone else. I had been raised in martyrdom where I was inculcated to believe that we must sacrifice our own happiness in order to help others. Something about Costa Rica seeped into my pours and taught me the exact opposite. We must build a foundation of strength inside of our being firstly and then carry our strength and sense of self out into the world for others to witness. This was a challenging shift in perspective that changed my life. I was no longer a victim who felt hopeless—I became empowered and responsible for my own happiness.
The years drifted on while Costa Rica remained a faint memory. On several occasions I attempted to return to the island, but something always got in the way each time I would plan a trip back. My schedule would fill up, I would find some reason why the timing wasn’t quite right, or I would make excuses about how it didn’t make sense to spend the money at that time. I always felt that there was something to “lose” if I went back.
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Then, something quite beautiful happen. It was so divinely inspired that not only did I not see it coming, it became the only way I could be forced out of my excuses regarding why I couldn’t go back to Costa Rica. 2020 roared in and stripped away everything that I had ever worked towards. My job vanished; my schedule cleared—whatever I had identified with in the past had been eliminated from my life. What I wouldn’t do on my own, the Source of Creation stepped in and said, “Let me help you with this.”
Looking back on my first trip to Costa Rica, I realized a decade has passed. In those ten years I was blessed to meet Adi who changed my life in ways I could never imagine. For all my fears that crippled me a decade earlier, I could see now that everything not only worked out—it worked out to my benefit. A divine plan unfolded in front of me creating a far more magical life than I could have ever imagined. Adi and I traveled the world together, we began digging deeper into our spiritual nature, we taught what we learned along the way, and we made it our mission to be a little kinder and more compassionate to everyone we encountered.
I found my balance during this time. I nurtured myself to such a degree that when I finally met Adi, I had something to truly share with her. I worked on myself and only then did she enter my life. Most of us are not taught this—we are taught that another person will complete us—the reality is that this is our job and our job alone. We must discover our inner essence on our own and the only way to do this is through silence. It’s imperative that we slow down and go inside to discover that little voice that speaks our Truth and then, we must follow that Voice of Truth without fail—not matter what society or those around us may think about it.
It was faith and trust that led me to this point. It took me a long time to let go but when I finally did what I discovered was that I was not the “Doer.” I never had been. There was something much more powerful guiding me and leading me towards my purpose. My only job was to get out of the way and allow whatever will be to be. And then, one day, a thought occurred to me—I recalled hearing something that always stuck with me—
”Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.”
There is nothing to lose. At the end of the day, we all pass out of this body. And when we are faced with our final moments on this earth, we may have to confront a couple of pressing questions that we have to reconcile: “Who am I?” and “What’s the meaning of life?”
We are eternal spirit having a human experience and the meaning of life is simply to live it. Experience it all—the ecstasy, pain, joy, tears, triumph, defeat, love, heartbreak—all of these experiences are simply reminders that lead us back to God. I had to reach the depths of despair before I turned my gaze back to God. It was only when I had succumbed to the depths that I finally said, “Help me out of this mess.” When I said this, I was surprised to actually hear a response: “I’ve been waiting for you to ask.”
Costa Rica calling…Answering the call
I had to let go. It was imperative that I surrender and the only way I could do that was to seemingly lose everything while simultaneously gaining everything. I gave up my “identity” or “personality” for Truth. Everyone on the planet has the option to do this; most times this happens when we have nowhere else to turn. It is only when, after years of trying to force our will, that we finally grow so tired that we give up and fall into the Loving Embrace of the Universe. When we do, everything comes together and we understand, “There was never anything to lose,” because anything that we can “lose” was never real to begin with.
It has been 10 years since the tall Iranian man looked me in the eye and said, “Have you ever been to Costa Rica?” The feeling was reemerging that it was time to return.
To be continued…